New Year’s Fish Boomerang Fireworks Display Goes Wrong
What was supposed to be a jubilant New Year’s celebration took a turn for the worst when a fishy performer attempted to brighten up the festivities.
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World
Devin Nunes Threatens To Impeach Himself
The top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee looked at himself through his own actions and admitted that something must be done about it.
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Congressmen Pass Law That Handicaps Own Ability To Find Escorts
Sex hungry Congressmen realize that recent law passage makes it harder for them to find a little side action.
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Local
Innocent Looking Grandmother Planning to Totally Shark Grandkids
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – A Grandmother planning a trip to see her Grandkids is currently training to hustle them out of everything they own. 82-year-old Agatha Barns has been training around the clock for the last six months, determined to destroy the card playing morale of her precious gene related[…]
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Woman Who Feels Confident Taking Another Life Buys New House Plant
SALT LAKE CITY, UT – An area woman who has killed hundreds of previous house plants revealed that she is ready to try again. The woman, admitting that she doesn’t have the greenest of thumbs, felt that she would have a better handle on plant care despite her gruesome history.[…]
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Sports
Sports Almanac Found In Michael Cohen Raid
A sports almanac found during the FBI’s raid on Trump’s longtime lawyer suggests that the source of Trump’s wealth could have come from alternative investment avenues.
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UMBC Head Coach Has Two Wishes Left
With a spectacular win against No. 1 Virginia, UMBC Head Coach Ryan Odom looks to be selective with how he’ll disperse his last two wishes.
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Entertainment
Study: Real Housewives Are 60 Percent Fake
NEW YORK, NY – Even though they walk, talk, and resemble people, recent studies have shown that most cast members for the Real Housewives reality show are only 40 percent human. Researchers conducted the study to shine light on the genetic makeup of patients with massive amounts of internal cosmetic[…]
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Geoffrey Giraffe To Go On Blues Tour
Reeling from the mass bankruptcy of Toys’R’Us stores across the country, Geoffrey Giraffe pours his heart and soul into an alternative artistic outlet.
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Science & Tech
Dyslexic Designer Responsible For Ford Truck Recall
The Ford Motor Company was forced to recall thousands of trucks after an embarrassing mislabeling of their 2018 line of F-150 Raptors went unchecked.
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Tech Support Rep Asks Old People If They’ve Tried Turning Democracy Off, Back On Again
WASHINGTON, DC – A calm and patient tech support agent spent ten hours over two days attempting to decode and solve questions that customers had with his software.
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Lifestyle
Study: Superfoods Give You Super Shits
A recent study conducted on the effects of superfoods concluded that your regulatory system will never be the same again.
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