The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Cities Introduce Man Bun Bird Sanctuary Legislation

Birds seek sanctuary in man buns

SEATTLE, WA – As growing urban development’s swallow up protected wildlife areas, cities are attempting to mitigate the loss by enticing constituents with man buns to become temporary bird sanctuaries.

The new rules, recently released by city officials, briefly outline the rewards system which is based on points. The longer that a candidate can provide a livable habitat, the more points are rewarded.

For instance, if a man bun can provide a full days’ worth of sanctuary, the provider would be issued a token for a free coffee from the barista of their choice. A week-long harboring would be good enough for a large cauliflower pizza. Additionally, if they can house extra occupants in a beard, the provider may be eligible for marijuana, at a rate of one joint per occupant.

Applicants who are interested will have to visit their perspective City Hall website to download a form and determine the length of time they would like to be a habitat for. To claim a benefit, candidates will have to prove the length of time with date stamped social media selfie posts.

The new legislation has been positively received. Many who believe that the style makes it already look like something may be living upstairs are happy to hear that it’ll be put to good use. Some are looking forward to the new interactions and easier conversation starters.

Currently, no compensation guidelines have been outlined for extra nappy man buns which could be used for longer periods of sanctuary. Interested applicants are encouraged to monitor their local newspapers for town hall meetings, where multi-generational lengths as well as providing pre chewed food to chicks will be discussed.

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