WASHINGTON, DC – Taking a long purposeful gulp from a pint of Budweiser, Devin Nunes admitted that he’s done a lot of shady stuff since being involved in Donald Trump’s transition team.
“I’ve been compared to Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther films,” said Nunes. “They think it’s an insult. But I’ve modelled my entire career around that guy. He’s my idol and I think I’ve done my absolute best to imitate him as closely as possible. We both pretend to be actual investigators, so we have a lot in common.”
Nunes admitted that informing Trump about a pending investigation against him probably, in hindsight, wasn’t a very good appearance. Neither was not pursuing Russian ties to former national security adviser, Michael Flynn. Or canceling public testimony from national security advisers for that matter. Come to think of it, making up information contained in nonexistent memos really was the wrong thing to do. But threatening to impeach the head of the FBI as well as the Deputy Attorney General for not giving him documents that originally sparked suspicions of collusion between Russia and the President that has since led to multiple indictments of several of Trump’s close aides and former officials was the last straw for Nunes.
“I can’t make it any more obvious that I am trying to protect the President in every way possible that directly goes against my job description as House Intelligence Head, “said Nunes. “So, after a lot of thought and reflection, I think the right thing to do is to impeach myself. It’s time I tell the world how shamefully and wildly out of touch with reality I am.”
At the time of publication, Nunes said he would finish his beer and maybe share a shot of Fireball with the bartender before going home and perfecting his perp walk.