The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Elephants Lift Hunter Trophy Ban

Elephant preparing for battle

ZIMBAWE, AFRICA – In the land of the elephants, rivalries that have lasted for millennia are as strong today as they were in the Ice Age. Recent events however, have forced the animals to evolve with the times.

Thunder, along with his wife, Mama Kali, sit atop of the Grey Skins, one of the most ruthless elephant gangs in Zimbawe. They are known for their deep family ties and show little mercy to rival factions. For generations, the Grey Skins were locked in a constant battle for territory with the Tuskan Raiders, an equally strong and cutthroat gang that operated to the North in Zambia.

That all changed when a ban on elephant trophies was applied by the Obama administration. With the influx of foreign hunters reduced, the gangs were able to put aside their differences and get to know each other. “We found out just how much we had in common.”, said Thunder. “We knew there were losses on both sides, but we accepted it because we knew that the humans would pick off a few of the Tuskan’s as well.”

Upon hearing the recent news that the Trump administration was thinking about potentially lifting the ban allowing hunters to further endanger their numbers, Thunder knew they had to act. To ensure the survival of their species, the gangs have joined forces and are ready and willing to go down fighting.

Shipments of body armor, sharpening wheels and custom saddle turrets have been arriving by the boatload, the gangs pooling their resources from the profits they’ve amassed by their selling of the popular street drug, Whoonga.

“It’s time for us to go on the hunt and collect some trophies of our own!” said Thunder while sharpening his tusk on a stone grinder. He then looked dramatically at our reporter, and in a deep, gruff, and ominous tone, also added, “It’s time we went Pachydermal on their asses.”

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