The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Lifestyle Company GOOP To Release Eyeball Douche

Eyeball Douche

NEW YORK, NY – Gwenyth Paltrow, who successfully brought vaginal steaming and jade eggs for your yoni to the masses through her cutting edge lifestyle brand GOOP, is tapping into the unexplored arena of ocular irrigation.

The new product, officially named GOUCHE, supplies the client with a micro jet stream applicator designed to cleanse the cornea of bacteria. The specialized liquid included in the over the counter package contains patented quantities of iodine, water, and special salts as well as a surprising and controversial ingredient.

“That is the part that we’re most excited about,”said GOUCHE’s head developer Anthony McCormin. “We scoured the globe for three years and found the exact properties we needed to complete our formula hidden within the semen of freshwater Tilapia!”

“We found that the combination of salts within the semen were uniquely fit to blend with the pH of the human eye. A few seconds after a client delivers the “money shot” via our applicator, the salts quickly begin to coagulate and crust over after exposure to the air. Any particulates that may be present on the cornea become fixed to the crust and can then be lifted, resulting in clearer vision!”

McCormin added that GOUCHE will be also be available with fresh scents such as Summer’s Eve and Island Splash.

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