The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Hospitals Brace For Massive Holiday Packaging Wounds

Cut on hand from packaging

Emergency rooms across the nation are prepping to treat the onslaught of potentially life-threatening wounds received from opening plastic packaging on Christmas morning.

In 2004, when near impervious clam shell and oyster packaging became popular with tech companies to keep their inventory safer during transport, roughly 6000 people visited the hospital with various punctures and lacerations. As the demand for popular electronics grew, so did the casualties. This holiday season, approximately 32 million people will tempt serious injury or death to free their devices from their formidable bonds.

Theodore Gable knows how quickly a joyous day can turn into a nightmare. In 2015, Mr. Gable accidently stabbed his wife in the shoulder with a box cutter attempting to open his Christmas gift. “She had bought me a memory card for my camera.”, said Gable. “I went at it with scissors, but I broke a blade, so I went to get a box cutter and took a swing at it. The damn thing glanced off the top and I hit my wife. I had to take her to the walk-in clinic to get 50 stitches. I’d rather carve Han Solo out of carbonite then wrestle with one of those again.”

Last year, a gang of robbers found out the hard way how perilous it can be. The five would be felons had targeted a Boston area bank. Their plan was to grab a collection of MP3 players the bank had on display for a secret Santa contest, and use the packaging as shivs against employees. Unfortunately, four of them died in the process of handling the potential daggers. The fifth escaped but was quickly apprehended two blocks away after losing consciousness from excessive blood loss.

Emergency crews are warning the public not to get caught up in what is known as “wrap rage”. As frustration mounts, enraged people can resort to excessive breaching methods such as axes, blowtorches, or small explosives which can place adjacent family or friends in danger. It is also recommended that you should not fully engage after consumption of alcohol.

Although the advanced warnings will not thwart all injuries, many emergency personal have received additional triage training to cope with the expected increase in holiday related traumas, and are hoping that everyone has a safe holiday season.

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