The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Senate Members Contract Eye Rolling Blindness During Classified Briefing

Man Holding Eyes

WHITE HOUSE, Washington – A security briefing, where members of the US Senate were expected to receive classified information about current North Korea policy, was described to local police as the culprit for a massive wave of blindness.

On Wednesday afternoon, nearly one hundred Senators were packed onto a bus and shipped to the White House where members expected a detailed analysis of the administration’s current stance on North Korea. Instead, they were treated to an unprecedented barrage of word salad, which caused many in attendance to roll their eyes so hard that they permanently blinded themselves.

The scene was described by a shaken White House aid who spoke off the record on condition of anonymity. “When it was apparent that the administration called the briefing purely because of optics, everyone began whispering about what a colossal waste of time this was. Then the Sputum-filled Orange Julius showed up and started talking about the enormity of his electoral win. Again. Right then and there I saw the majority of Senators start to cross their arms and roll their eyes, but then I heard snapping! I actually heard their optic nerves snapping out loud. I didn’t even know they could do that!”

The shaken aid then went on to explain the aftermath. ”It was absolute chaos and confusion! People were screaming. They were running around, holding their eyes shouting, “I’M BLIND, I’M BLIND!” and tripping over chairs, running into walls, running into each other. I feel so horrible for them.”

Local lawmakers are expected to meet with the affected Senators today to discuss whether or not “eye rolling induced blindness” should be included in the GOP’s new Health Care Bill.

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