ROSSLYN, VA – Leading global nutrition, health and wellness company, Nestle, is laying the groundwork to offer the world it’s first taste of interplanetary H2O.
The company, infamously known for their ability to steal water from municipalities across the country, has been following the interest in water seeking Mars probes and is convinced that there could be a sizeable amount of wet gold to plunder. Nestle hopes that Martian water will vastly expand their billions of bottled water earnings.
“The way it works in this universe is if you get there first, you get the water rights,” said Adrian Simpson, chief exploratory engineer for Nestle. “That rock is brimming with resources waiting to be tapped into. Just think. Red Rock water from the Red Planet. Sure, it might be radioactive or contain substances not meant for human consumption, but it’ll be natural and unsullied by Earth based activity. Plus, it’s a hell of a catch phrase isn’t it?”
Simpson dismissed concerns about the potential discovery of new life forms. Scientists have also expressed worries about how Martian life may interpret humans if their first exposure to an alien life form results in water being taken from them. “If they do exist, they might not even use water. Hell, it might be like battery acid to them for all we know. Twist your noodle around that for a moment.”
Simpson also said that technically, they won’t be stealing water from Martians. Nestle has plans to construct a Mars based bottling plant. “We’re not planning on meeting any, but if there are life forms, they are welcome to have as much as they want. I know they won’t be up to speed on how money works and all, but they could have other minerals for a trade. We’ll just sell it back to them at a 600,000% markup, Nestle style!”