The National Quandary

The National Quandary

New Year’s Fish Boomerang Fireworks Display Goes Wrong

Lew Zealand with a boomerang fish

LOS ANGELES, CA – The evening of December 31st is a time of celebration. The ringing in of the New Year gives people a chance to shed the challenges they’ve faced in the past, and usher in hope for the future in the coming year. Sometimes it can turn on you in an instant.

The Calloway’s, longtime residents of Malibu, decided to share their optimism for 2018 by throwing a neighborhood party. When the Neil Diamond tribute band failed to show up on time, Mitchell Calloway wondered how he was going to entertain his 240 friends and guests.

Party goers told TNQ that a mysterious man who introduced himself as Lew Zealand, seemingly appeared out of nowhere and exclaimed, “I’ll do my boomerang fish. I throw them away, and they come back to me!”. Zealand, a down and out Vaudeville performer, then began to launch various carp into the air from a seemingly bottomless bucket. The flying fish defied all rules of physics and promptly returned to their handler. That is when things started to go awry.

Amongst the quiver of fish, Zealand had a special New Year’s supply for the evening which had fireworks of various sizes attached. “It was obvious he was a great showman, “said Calloway. “But I don’t know if he thought this through enough.”

As Zealand heaved the fish with lighted fuses, they predictably returned to the crowd, exploding mere feet away from the bewildered guests. Frightened party patrons were consequently showered with sparks and fish guts, some experiencing first degree burns on exposed areas.

By the time first responders appeared, Zealand had disappeared by exiting stage right. Fortunately for those injured in the display, EMS personal had a ready supply of fresh fish oil to treat the wounded, as Omega 3’s are very good for the skin. Guests who were treated also reported that their acne and wrinkles vanished shortly afterwards.

Police are still on the lookout for Lew Zealand and have reportedly questioned Miss Piggy and Scooter who were also in attendance and are thought to be acquaintances although they deny knowing him.


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