The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Snowman Cult Commits Mass Suicide After Prophecy Fulfilled

Snowman Cult

CHANHASSEN, MN – A small but highly devoted group of snowmen followed through on their suicide pact after a self-fulfilling prophecy came true.

The remains of about 422 members of the low-profile cult, Heaven’s Snowflake, were found melted into a puddle in the basement of their compound yesterday afternoon. Local authorities were alerted by their intentions after the cult’s leader, Marshall Snowcone, posted a rambling video to their website.

The video depicted a shaky Snowcone outlining the group’s manifesto before identifying the root of their decision to “move on from this world”. Members of the group observed snowman flesh falling from the sky the night before, which was a sign of the end of times. Snowcone then panned the camera to show a series of giant blow dryers strategically positioned in the corners of the room. His last chilling words included a greeting to their brothers and sisters that they would soon join in the heavens before the feed disconnected.

Three survivors of the cult, who decided against suicide at the last minute, managed to escape the compound and direct police to the location of the watery grave. Coroners admitted that it could take months to affirm the identities of the snowmen involved, as all the members of the cult shared the same strain of genetic H2O markers.

Concerned family members are encouraged to bring in recent pictures of their missing loved ones, especially photos that contain favorite and unique accessories such as top hats and scarves. A local Sheriff apologized for the coldness of the process, but in a gruesome outcome such as this, the identities of those involved will have to be determined by carrot nose and charcoal eyeball records.

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