ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY – Last week’s raid into Trump’s longtime personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, delivered a trove of detailed business records, emails and documents related to several topics that the FBI is currently investigating. One interesting periodical that was recovered could be related to the President’s wealth.
Sources revealed that a weathered sports almanac, containing a fifty-year history of outcomes to many major sporting events, was found locked in a wall safe in Cohen’s office behind an oil painting depicting the embattled lawyer with an over proportioned and half naked muscular physique holding an outstretched sword atop a white horse.
Initially, the inconsequential book wasn’t given much attention. However, upon further inspection, agents revealed that the book had weak, but distinct plutonium signatures radiating from the pages. Further age dating experiments convinced experts that the signatures could be tied to a major 1985 Plutonium theft that occurred in Libya.
Investigators believe that this may be the first hard evidence of Trump’s involvement in an underground sports betting empire which would be a more plausible source of wealth since it’s generally agreed that he has the business acumen of a baked potato. They also note Trump’s well-established involvement in major sports events over the years including football, golf, boxing, and wrestling.
Currently, the question eluding law enforcement is the mystery surrounding the acquisition of the book. One agent who spoke to TNQ off the record said that they are sifting through recovered documents and purchase orders as well as state DMV records for any history of ever having purchased or owned a Delorean.
Authorities are confused as to why Cohen would still be in possession of an almanac of records that expired eighteen years ago. Many are chalking it up to a major “plot hole”.