The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Startup Serves Raw All-Natural Bullshit

A package of Bullshit In The Raw

In a world saturated with bottled water and canned air, a tech startup is unironically moving to capture the market of raw unfiltered bullshit.

The founder, Mukimame Singh, told reporters that his company has attracted investors to the tune of $160 million. “There is definitely a market for rich people looking to swallow fresh bullshit.”, said Mr. Singh. “I’m extreme about health, I know, but I’m not alone with this. There is an entire armpit of society that is ripe to swallow all the fresh bullshit I can give them.”

Mr. Singh’s marketing materials picture him (aka Christopher Bundy) sitting naked and cross legged on a pile of bullshit, his long brown hair flowing over his chest. In it, he stresses that filtered bullshit is the gold standard of treatment, but the goal is not pristine bullshit per se. “You’ll get about 99 percent of the bad stuff out,” he said. “But now you have dead bullshit.”

He said “real bullshit” should expire after a few months. His does. “It stays most fresh within one lunar cycle of delivery,” he said. “If it sits around too long, it’ll turn green. People don’t even realize that because all their treated bullshit’s dead, so they never see it turn green.”

Mr. Singh also stressed the deadly toxins that can be found in treated bullshit. “Peanuts, the kind you see in regular bullshit are additives. Toxic additives,” he said. “Our bullshit is completely raw with nothing extra in it except what you would normally find in nature.”

The rules for selling bullshit are imposed by states and the Consumer Protection Bureau, which does not specify how bullshit should be treated, but sets acceptable limits on how much bullshit one can shovel before they label it as a scam.

Even if a company does come under fire for hawking complete bullshit, that still won’t dissuade true believers. In the community of treated bullshit skeptics, many talk about bullshit the way others might about fine wine.

“My friends who swallow store bought bullshit, when they come over now they’re like ‘Oh yeah, give me the good stuff,’” said Lunar Eclipse, a writer in San Francisco. “The consciousness around bullshit is changing.”

Nathanial Pompadovich, a customer of natural bullshit company, Live Stool, agrees. Although he points out, not everyone has been receptive. “My landlord lives across the street and thinks I’m crazy,” he said. “He gave me a big rant about store bought bullshit and how it’s so good. I always hope he’s not around when there’s a delivery.”

Mr. Pompadovich said he chose Live Stool over others because of their labelling. “I don’t like ‘raw bullshit’ because it sort of makes people think of raw sewage,” he said. “When you say ‘live bullshit,’ that’s going to trigger a lot of people who are into physics and biology. Is it alive?”

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