The National Quandary

The National Quandary

Study: Superfoods Give You Super Shits

A picture of superfoods

Superfoods, the nickname given to a special selection of fruits and vegetables, are believed to be the secret to a disease proof body and drop-dead radiance. They also, according to a recent study, will enable your ass to pass watermelon sized feces.

Danielle Jorgenson, head researcher of the study, told TNQ that while superfoods are linked to desirable effects such as fighting off illness and disease as well as delivering peak energy to your body, they will also blow out your colon like a bursting vacuum bag.

“It’s really quite amazing what a cocktail of just the right fruits and vegetables can do to you, “said Jorgenson. “Aronia for instance can deliver the fiber equivalent of 60 bran muffins in a single serving. Mix that with a serving of white mulberries and a dash of Noni powder and you’ll deliver a massive payload of nutrient bombs with the capability to power wash your bowels clean. Just be sure you’re near a bathroom.”

Jorgenson has elected not to publicly publish the findings of her results to the scientific community. Instead, she and two fellow researchers will design their own line of supplements. The final product name is yet to be determined. She did say that the supplement would sell at a 5,000% markup over what the obscure foods that grow wild in the backyards of people from another country would cost.

Jorgenson said that because of the potency of their cocktail, they will include usage warnings such as making sure you have a plunger nearby and advising not to ride a bike for at least two hours after consuming. She also said that they may branch out into the weight loss market as well after one test subject lost 12 pounds after a single dose.

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