WASHINGTON, DC – President Trump told reporters in a press conference today that he is saddened by the inability of his agency heads to keep their grifting on the down low.
The latest to come under the spotlight is Environmental Protection Agency head, Scott Pruitt. Trump, who was intending on giving a speech about Syria wandered off script because “chemical attacks are boring”. Instead, he used the meeting to vent about all the tax payer’s money that Pruitt was caught spending.
“He’s a great guy, tremendous guy,” Trump said of Pruitt. “It’s wonderful. This guy, you know he comes right in, and does a great job. Tremendous job. These regulations. Let me tell you, he’s highly respected. Probably more then anyone else in history. Great things. He’s got all this money. I say to him, and this is true. I say “Scott. You have this great amount of money. You’re going to do tremendous things.” We think alike on a lot of things, believe me! And I said to him, with this cake. Tremendous chocolate cake, you need to try it. I said, “Scott. Do great things but give yourself a little reward.” I didn’t say it like that, but I said great things. And he gets this security detail. You know. These are some tough hombres. And I say, “Scott, if they’re so great, keep them.” And he did. I didn’t mean it. The EPA, he’s doing great, just a great job. But he shouldn’t have kept them. I’ll be the first…. let me tell you. He’s saving billions.”
Reporters at the press conference reviewed the transcripts of the presser and later decided that they weren’t sure what exactly Trump’s stance was. Republicans who attended the meeting reassured the public that spending millions on private security and charter flights are fine if no one knows about them.
Sources close to The President reported that Trump would be paying much closer attention to his new hires from now on and guaranteed that the American people would never find out about runaway personal spending ever again.