The National Quandary

The National Quandary

White House Press Sec On Squirrel Army: The Threats Are Real

Squirrel shooting a laser gun

WAHINGTON, DC – White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, confirmed during a press conference today that the country should be extremely concerned about an armed squirrel revolt.

According to sources, President Trump, while surfing Twitter, came across an alarming collection of media meant to indoctrinate squirrels into a national uprising. The videos depicted military squirrel trainees learning how to handle munitions and various shooting styles, demonstrating accuracy on assorted nuts and fruit. Brainwashing propaganda techniques commonly used in recruitment of weak minded squirrels were weaved into the broadcast as well. According to a recovered recruitment handbook, isolated juveniles are a favorite target for the mouse like militia. They look to manipulate those who are vulnerable and searching for meaning in their lives as it is easier to convince and shape them.

The President promptly retweeted the controversial videos on his Twitter feed early this morning, also adding, “This is why we NEED the WALL to keep dolphins out of our GREAT nation! #MAGA!!!”

Journalists and fact checkers were quick to dissect the videos and question their legitimacy. Many others who follow the President wrote that the videos should be authenticated before jumping to any policy changing conclusions. “This video has all the production value of my twelve-year-old son messing with After Effects.”, said one Twitter follower.

Later this morning, White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, defended President Trump’s controversial retweets of apparent squirrel training videos, including one depicting what looks like a squirrel yelling, “SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!” while violently bashing an acorn into a walnut.

Commenting on the violence in the videos, Sanders said, “these are real threats we have to talk about.” Regarding their veracity, she added, “the threats are real-no matter how you look at it.” and then later offered, “I think the real issue here is why they shot that watermelon.”

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